The Courage to be Perceived

Let's be so, so brave.

do you perceive me as “trying too hard to be a youth”?

On my recent trip to Los Angeles, I had to face one of my biggest fears right away.

No, not traffic, or constant sunshine (although those fears were ever-present), it was the fear of being perceived.

no one perceives more loudly than Lucille

I walked with purpose as I exited the plane JUST IN CASE anyone thought that I was a tourist. I USED TO LIVE HERE! I’m not a tourist! Hey, Uber driver, did you hear how I said THE 405 and pronounced La Cienega correctly? I LIVED HERE.

The whole time, I was worried about being too much, too loud, too quiet, too emotionally repressed, too overbearing, too needy, too hungry, too thirsty, too messy, etc. etc.

This is one of the super fun symptoms of ADHD. My neurodivergent brain is literally not normal (vergent?) so when I don’t do, or think of, something that is obvious to everyone else, I feel as though I stick out like a sore thumb.

One night, my friend Kelly’s sister gave me a tub of fancy yogurt and granola for breakfast the next day. I put it in my tote bag and… promptly forgot about it. I did not put it in the fridge when we got home. The next day, Kelly noticed and threw out the wasted (fancy!) yogurt.

When I saw the yogurt in the trash, my stomach dropped. My body reacted as if a giant bear had walked in the room with a gun¹. I froze, then immediately started to think of excuses in my head for making such a HUGE MISTAKE. Then, I thought about it a little more and realized… it’s just fucking yogurt. Nice, fancy yogurt… but yogurt nonetheless. It was just a silly mistake.

and no one makes huge mistakes more than Gob

Instead of dwelling in self-hatred, I said “I am so sorry, I forgot about the yogurt!”

(Please hold your applause for my bravery)

“Oh my God, no problem, there’s more in the fridge!”

And that was it.

So easy, right? RIGHT?!?!

Wrong! It was, like, so hard. In my brain, I was so embarrassed for not being vigilant and properly masking my forgetfulness. I feared and expected Kelly to perceive me as stupid, forgetful, messy, etc. But she didn’t. She literally didn’t care.

And, even if she did, what’s the worst that would happen? She’d confront me about it? Maybe she’d express disappointment? Big fucking deal. My rejection-sensitive² brain equates disappointment with rejection and abandonment and BOOM, no friends for Patty.

If you’re wondering if my life is exhausting, yes… yes it is.

Every day, I try so hard to manage how other people perceive me. I do my best to get ahead of their potential judgement. Which is honestly SUCH A STUPID THING TO TRY TO CONTROL.

Our brains are wired to make snap judgements as a way to assess our safety and make quick decisions. Those judgements are all based on our own individual life experiences and cultural norms. We can’t really control the thought from happening, but we can control how we respond.

For instance, last week at my barre class, I didn’t say “You filled your empty plastic water bottle with Diet Coke and brought it to your high-intensity workout class? Interesting choice, Diane.” But I definitely thought it!

The point is… we’ve all got these weird little judgements and perceptions in our brains and usually we just let them pass. So, why do we dwell on them when they’re potentially happening in the brains of others? Why does it matter how we’re being perceived when we’re just out here trying to live our lives?

I work with and coach a lot of female leaders and this comes up a lot. We don’t want to be perceived as emotional, bitchy, soft, hard, non-responsive, overly responsive, etc. etc. We’re working against centuries of negative female stereotypes.

Example: When you hear the word “emotional” - what image/feeling comes to your mind? Is it crying/sadness? WHY? Why not any other intense feeling? (Answer: Deeply ingrained misogyny.)

Well, it ends HERE.

I am STANDING UP TO PERCEPTION-BASED FEAR. With this freedom, I am going to do VERY COURAGEOUS THINGS, like:

• Record a video in public even if someone assumes I’m weird!!!

• Post that video even if it makes someone cringe!!!

• Wear press-on nails even if someone thinks I’m cheap!!!

• Be a naive, annoying, optimistic, bitchy, “emotional” girl even if someone thinks I’m a naive, annoying, optimistic, bitchy, “emotional” girl!!!

• Eat an entire bag of CheezIts even if someone thinks I’m going to die from that much sodium. I HAVE HYPERTENSION AND I PROBABLY WILL, OK?

There is enough to be worried about in the world, potential judgement and perceived slights from strangers cannot take up this much space. I want to be present! I want to live my life! I want to fuck around and find out! The only thing standing between myself and happiness/success is talent.

Just kidding… it’s me. I’m holding myself back out of fear of what people might think about me or my choices. I refuse to be on my CheezIt-ridden death bed saying, “I sure hope I did a good job being perfect to every single person I ever came in contact with!”

Instead, I want to look back on my messy, happy life and say, “What a good run... I can’t believe my best friend, CheezIts, were my downfall.”

5 things I’m living, laughing, loving

• AMY POEHLER WAS FINALLY ON SMARTLESS. I will never get over the divorce of Amy Poehler and Will Arnett, two people I have never met and don’t know personally. Seeing her name pop up on the Smartless feed was so exciting… I actually bought a subscription to SiriusXM podcasts to listen a week early. It was everything I wanted and more! It’s free to listen on Monday!

• This post on drinking made me want to stop drinking. I’ve read it every day. Which is probably a sign that I should definitely stop drinking.

• Can’t wait to wear this in Palm Springs next month and cosplay as a Victorian ghost by the pool.

• If you’re looking for a good bronzer, this is a good bronzer. (I’m in the shade LIGHTEST OPTION AVAILABLE)

• “I’m on the Celebrity’s Side in the Latest ‘Saturday Night Live’ Drama” Me fucking too. It was such an unnecessary joke.

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Let’s be curious!!! I’m in Dallas right now facilitating a leadership program and all I want to do is sleep because my body does not feel good, but I am leaning into socialization and conversations and then this weekend I will faint and hide in bed. It’s called balance, baby.

Thanks for reading. I love you. Mean it.

xo, Patty

1. idk why a bear would have a gun when he, himself, is a weapon

2. Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) is a strong emotional reaction to perceived or actual rejection, criticism, or failure, and is often associated with ADHD