A Millennial Summer Bucket List
A/S/L?
I was recently telling friends about the boy I had a crush on when I was in junior high, Vinny.1 I have no clue how it happened, but one glorious summer day in the late ‘90s, my best friend Ashley invited Vinny to come swimming with us at her aunt’s pool.
I was so excited when he said yes! Then I immediately remembered that I’d have to wear a bathing suit in front of the LOVE OF MY (12 YEARS OF) LIFE.
Don’t worry… I didn’t! Instead, I wore an oversized adidas t-shirt and a long pair of shorts to save face. I was, naturally, teased for wearing an insane outfit, not going into the pool, and not revealing my Old Navy tankini.
My heart hurts for that literal child who was so ashamed of her body. But hey, that’s what happened to the young girls who came of age in the late 90s/early 2000s. You weren’t cool unless you looked like the models in the Delia*s catalogues.
I’m honestly still yearning to be that perfect blend of cool and hot at the same time.
Body dysmorphia aside, I really miss those summers. Back then, summer days seemed endless despite there being so little to do. It felt like a true vacation from reality, even if we didn’t travel, because we weren’t seeing our school friends nor did we know what they were up to. Without social media or the internet, we had to find creative ways to entertain ourselves.
I want to try to have a summer like that. I require a summer like that. Yes, I have to work, and am unable to completely remove myself from reality because I’m an adult. AND YET!
I YEARN2 to fill my pockets of free time with novelty and adventure.
Here’s how we can all have the millennial summer of our deepest, darkest dreams:
Delete social media apps from your phone and only access them while sitting down at a computer. It gives that intentional, dial-up feel of logging onto AOL and seeing who was online and what was going on in the chatrooms. It will feel more exciting to “log on” because you haven’t had ANY access to it!
Re-read a children’s series like The Babysitter’s Club or The Boxcar Children. See note: the boxcar children series was weird, right?
Spend an entire day on the couch eating snacks while yelling at the contestants on The Price Is Right.
Ride a bike or go rollerblading in a park. Fall a bunch of times! Cry from real scrapes and pains, not internal suffering!
Take an after dinner trip to an ice cream shop as a god damn family!
Play Red Rover, save up for a treehouse with your friends, investigate a murder, have a seance in a cemetery, stuff your bra with Jello pudding-filled water balloons, and watch the Werners skinny dip! (Ok, that’s the plot of Now and Then. You should definitely watch Now and Then!!!)
Choreograph a dance and perform it for your friends and family.
Spend an entire day at the beach: set up camp, put out all of your toys, go in and out of the water, read, constantly re-apply sunscreen or fight off anyone applying it for you, go to the little shack for a hot dog and some fries, complain about the heat, eat some ice cream, complain about boredom, then go home and fall asleep early with a slight sunburn in an ice cold air conditioned room.
Leave the house without a plan and don’t come home until the streetlights come on, or you hear your mother screaming that dinner — or supper — is ready.
Have a sleepover, watch scary movies, and then call boys (using *69) just to hang up on them.
Play a round of mini golf and remember how stupid it is.
Listen to an album the whole way through while reading the lyrics.
Go swimming, let your hair air dry without any product, and eat a sandwich at a picnic table while wrapped in a towel. Then wait 30 minutes before swimming again! OR ELSE YOU’LL DIE!!!
Begrudgingly go to church on Sundays and pretend the Catholic Church scandal hasn’t broken yet.
Act like Clueless just came out and make it your whole personality by saying, “As if!” any chance you get.
Eat a Ninja Turtle ice cream bar — gum ball eyes first.
Find an old school chat room (or, maybe a sub-Reddit?) and lie about your A/S/L.
Visit a local amusement park and ride a generically branded log flume ride.
Blast the local radio station while driving with the windows down, no air conditioner, and no seat belts!
And finally, don’t your dare touch a single sip of water. Only juice or milk. Preferably from a carton with a missing child on it.
5 things
I’m trying to find a baseball hat that I don’t look stupid wearing with glasses, so I got this vintage Cheers one. Then I realized… do I want to be wearing a red hat? Dare I say, FML3?
If Target rolled back their DEI policies, then why did they fucking nail this lesbian bird duo with accompanying moving truck?!?!
Well, I did it everyone. I bought a fake freckle stamp. Of course it looks unnatural and crazy, why would you even ask!??!
If you’re in the mood to read something historical & morbid: ‘Downwind’ of Trinity: Remembering the First Victims of the Atomic Bomb. It’s about girls at a dance camp close to the spot where they tested the atomic bomb, only one girl lived past 30.
Should we all be wearing expensive compression leggings for lymphatic drainage and recovery? My body’s saying let’s go, but my wallet’s saying no :(
I’m currently icing my thigh with frozen tater tots because I tripped over my cat and fell on to the recycling. I will not be taking any further questions at this time.
Live your best life,
Patty xo
Barrett All, starring Patty Barrett, is written, directed, and produced by Patty Barrett. Lights and sound by Patty Barrett. Hair, make-up, and wardrobe provided by Patty Barrett. For more information, please reach out to Patty Barrett.
Hiding his last name for privacy. Privacy I did not give him in 1998 when I catfished him. Long story.
That’s my second use of YEARN in one post!!!
Hi Casey!!!!!
I think you’re rocking that red Cheers hat. I think it’s okay to wear it, even though it’s red. It kind of reminds me of the red hat that says, “Made You Look. Black Lives Matter!”. Cheers!
Also, thanks for reminding me about the Delia’s catalog! My sister and I were obsessed with Delia’s. I know a woman who once modeled for them, and now that picture of her is a “dress like it’s the 90s” meme. 😂
Constantly reapply sunblock or fight off anyone applying it for you 💀💀
Ugh Patty you’re the best!! I hope you get a pair of rollerblades this summer