Look For The Helpers

Even the ones who are really bad at it.

My friend’s response to a traumatic story I was telling

Last week, I received awful news from one of my close friends.

It was a devastating, unbelievable message that you don’t expect to hear, you don’t want to hear, and you shouldn’t have to hear.

The next few days were spent in a fog. They say that action is the best way to ease anxiety, but I live 3,000 miles away and couldn’t do that. This resulted in inaction and paralyzing unease.

I wanted to know that my friend was okay, despite knowing she will never be okay. Our mutual friend had the week off, so he booked a flight and got there as soon as he could. Meanwhile, I stayed put feeling like a horrible, useless friend.

Mister Rogers once said, “Look for the helpers” in the aftermath of tragedy. There are always good people heading straight to the front lines. I think of Steve Buscemi, retired firefighter and actor BEST KNOWN for his role as “Crazy Eyes” in Mr Deeds, who went straight to ground zero after the September 11th attacks.

I remember the medical professionals who ran straight to the victims after the Boston Marathon bombing and were able to save so many lives with makeshift tourniquets. And, recently, the citizens who opened their homes and donated their belongings to victims of the LA fires.

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.”
- Fred Rogers

“Am I not one of the helpers?” I thought.

When faced with a fight or flight situation, am I flight?

Even worse, of all the Bluths, am I Buster?

I’ll be neither seen, nor heard.

Side note: I realize this is all incredibly selfish, but please understand that I suffer from several mental disabilities and I wish my brain wasn’t so self-focused. When it’s not calling me an idiot for my past actions (depression), it’s belittling my current inaction (ADHD) and all future potential actions (anxiety).

I moped and coped in unhealthy ways, checking in with my friend as often as I could without being a burden, until I couldn’t handle sitting still. I took a yoga class and the instructor read a poem before we began. I didn’t catch the name to give it credit, but it said something along the lines of: stop striving for “perfection”, or forcing ourselves into some ideal shape, instead we should show up imperfectly how we are.

While she was likely sharing that as a way to encourage us to, I don’t know, bend our knees in a forward fold or something, I took it very personally.

There is no “perfect” way to show up for someone. Help isn’t always on the front lines. Help can be, and should be, a holistic effort on all fronts. Just because I couldn’t be at her side right away doesn’t mean that I couldn’t help from afar, even if it wasn’t ideal.

What mattered most was that I genuinely cared for my friend and deeply wanted to help. Moping and coping wasn’t useful for anyone, so I had to shift my focus towards showing up intentionally rather than perfectly.

• I sent a package of cozy things to open once the dust settles, instead of sending more wine and baked goods. (I was told they had plenty of wine and baked goods.)

• I curated a list of easy content for background noise during the bad days. I included little notes with any trigger warnings, or thoughts on my favorite episodes, or stories of how the content helped me in the past.

• I filmed videos and sent voice notes with self-deprecating stories - because in a time when you don’t feel like laughing at anything, I will make you laugh at me.

I wish I could do so much more, but I’m learning that it’s better to show up in a meaningful way than to not show up at all.

Soon, I’ll be an actual pair of boots on the ground and I will be VERY SUPPORTIVE BOOTS. THE MOST SUPPORTIVE. I will provide so much support that it will feel like she has new knees and increased hip mobility!!!

Other ways to help/show up:

• Ask them how you can help/show up.

• Send bagels and various cream cheeses, or frozen ham and cheese croissants from Williams Sonoma.

• Send a card IN THE MAIL with a genuine, handwritten note.

• Put together a playlist with songs you love or songs you’ve loved together.

• Create a travel itinerary for a future trip you can take together with articles, restaurant recommendations, experiences, etc.

• Write them a song parody, an acrostic poem, or a choose-your-own-adventure book.

• Send voice notes with funny stories!!

• If you live nearby, drop things off on their porch or front door (if possible). My friend Janine has left me packets of protein powder and Halloween candles, and I’ve left her french toast bagels and pizza.

• Venmo them gas, coffee, or lil treat money.

• Tell the truth, say how you feel.

• Send memes.

• Make them watch every version of Little Women.

• Pretend you’re Oprah, send them a box of your favorite things!!

• Read them The Help or sing Help! by the Beatles.

• Buy them a pet. Jk. That’s A BIG RESPONSIBILITY.

momsbehavingbadly

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That’s literally going to be me when I land in LA. Showing up authentically, imperfectly, and really fucking weird.

Thanks for reading. I love you a lot.

xo,
pat

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