It's my party & I'll cry if I want to
How dare I take up space on my own birthday?!
My birthday was on Sunday and it was a GREAT DAY… for being SAD & WEIRD ABOUT IT!
My mother told me that when she was induced, she screamed in pain and the nurse told her to shush. Maybe that’s how my life-long fear of being a burden came to fruition? Mother crying in pain, nurse being annoyed… sounds like everyone WAS SO GLAD I WAS COMING INTO THE WORLD.
This year, despite planning to be in Los Angeles with close friends on my actual birthday, I still spent the whole day in my head — worrying about being a burden and thinking about all the things I should be doing in order to make it the BEST DAY EVER.
💭 I should have booked us massages.
💭 I should be indulging in a long, boozy lunch and treating all of my friends instead of them treating me.
💭 I should be throwing myself a party and making this A BIG DEAL even though I would hate that?!?!
And yet, I’ve done all of those things and they’re great, but they’ve never cured my life-long depression in a single day. I’ve spent birthdays at the beach, at Disneyland, on trips to different cities, at a brewery with my friends and my new puppy, having sleepovers, being showered with love by men I’m dating, or day drinking with friends while watching Christmas movies.
No matter what scenario I dreamt up to be the BEST! BIRTHDAY! EVER! It still wouldn’t be enough to make me get over my inability to enjoy it.
As a Taurus, I love birthdays and I love celebrations and I want my birthday to be a fun, positive, indulgent day. And somehow, no matter where I am, what I’m doing, or who I’m surrounded by — I always end up sad.
Here’s what I think is contributing to this sad sack birthday state of mind:
➕ Birthdays feel performative.
I used to love getting showered with attention on Facebook back in the day, but a few years ago I removed my birthday from all social media platforms. I got tired of the notifications and feeling the need to say thank you or like every single post.
As a loyal friend who prioritizes authentic connection (TAURUS!), I only wanted to hear from people who knew me or genuinely cared about my existence.
Naturally, this has made me start focusing on the people who don’t reach out. Or, it makes me feel like people only reach out because I reached out on their birthday, or because they felt like they had to.
It basically makes me want to disappear all day.
➕ I’m having an existential crisis.
Another year older, and have I got any wiser? Have I done anything tremendously fulfilling? What am I doing with my life?!?!?!?!
A birthday is the perfect day to evaluate your progress over a year and reflect on all the ways you are not measuring up.
It’s not that my life has been bad by any means, but for some reason all the regrets over past decisions float to the top and make me curious about all the ways my life could be different.
The last few years, as I’ve crawled towards 40 and made significant changes and the stakes have raised a bit, it has hit a little harder.
➕ I am tired of monotony/tradition.
Every year, it’s the same old scene.
I purposely went to LA to try to break the pattern, but I still felt a bit sad and disconnected. Even though my lovely friends ordered us mimosas and watched Christmas movies with me and brought me donuts and presents and we got coffee and went thrifting and had a great dinner at a very “me” place. It was different, and I felt so seen, but I also felt like I wasn’t 100% there.
➕ I guess I just don’t feel worthy?
It’s sad to admit, but right now it’s the truth. Having a forced day of celebration only reminds me that I am not doing enough, I am not worthy of love or celebration, or I just don’t feel like I deserve to take up so much space.
It’s not always the case, but clearly… I’m going through it. 🙃
I know birthdays don’t matter, they’re just another day. Underneath it all, I think I am just longing to be NORMAL. Well, not normal, but I want to feel comfortable “taking up space” and not feel like I’m wasting people’s time on my own damn birthday.
I feel so needy and selfish for having these thoughts, but I know that it’s human.
So, maybe my focus for the last year of my 30s is to learn how to take up space and actually believe I deserve it.
Or, to stop being so fucking awkward. Good luck, babe, am I right?!?!?!
5 birthday things
Because, meanwhile: Trump’s Military Parade: All About His Pricey Birthday Bash. 🤮
I bought myself this Clare V grande fanny bag that I’ve wanted for years. Yes, it was too much and no, I don’t think I deserve it.
I caved and got these braided Boston Birkenstocks, but I found them on Poshmark for $100! They’re the perfect shoe for going to pilates and taking the dog out… and looking cool while doing it! SO COOL.
If you’re in LA: the ciabatta and liver (and entire dining experience) at Antico Nuovo, the sandwiches at Uncle Pauli’s Deli and Bub & Grandmas and the pepper grinder at La Dolce Vita were all highlights.
Fun fact: I had my 16th birthday at a Cheers replica bar in Boston. I turned 16 in 2002, so no — Cheers wasn’t on at the time. I’m an old soul. And I’m very sad about Norm, so I’m thinking of getting this hat because I almost got one while thrifting and now I regret it!
I got curtain bangs for my birthday and I’ve been (trying) to style and texturize them with this clay. But I suck at it.
Thank you for letting me take up space in your inbox. I miss the California sun as there’s a Nor’easter coming to Boston today and I have too much to do so I can’t hole up inside and pretend it’s a snow day.
Happy Birthday! (the way Frosty the Snowan says it),
Patty
🎉🎉🎉
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I share a birthday with my narcissistic mother - it was a very traumatic birth on her 23rd birthday back in 1974. We are both Scorpios (I have a Taurus moon, so I get double the stubborn. Do NOT tell me what to do. As you can imagine, my childhood was serene and trauma free.).
Birthdays always have so much expectation packed into them. And having a mother who thrives on attention and praise, there was resentment going both ways. Loads of therapy and recently, EMDR, have helped me unpack some of the crap I’ve carried around for 50 years. (My mother was actively not speaking to me on my 50th birthday last November! What a gift! 🙄)
Truth be told, your 40s will be the best and most freeing decade of your life. Do the work to allow yourself to just be who you are and love who you are. It’s hard, but it’s truly the best gift you can get.