I'm Not on Hinge, But If I Was...

What my profile would say about me.

Together we could:

• Sleep in a very cold room with an air conditioner, overhead fan, side table fan, and white noise machine going

• Go for a scenic hike that doesn’t go up or down

• Watch Season 10 of Vanderpump Rules and watch Scandoval unfold in real time

• Burst out into song out of nowhere, multiple times a day, and slowly evolve it into a parody of the original song throughout the week and then completely forget it by the weekend and never sing it again

• Visit Los Angeles and casually stroll by all the Scientology centers

I nerd out on:

• The fact that Who Framed Roger Rabbit was originally meant to be a sequel to Chinatown that covered the historical context of the dismantling of the Pacific Electric Railway in L.A. and its replacement with freeways and buses, which was driven by corporate interests and the automotive industry.

• How hot Jessica Rabbit is and how her appearance in the film was my sexual awakening.

• The bloodline of Queen Victoria

Let's make sure we're on the same page about:

• White people speaking non-white languages (it feels racist)

• Human rights (pro)

• Turkey trots (against)

• Dogs on furniture (not allowing them is inhumane)

• Sourdough starters (They freak me out!!!!)

I can’t shut up about:

• Britney Spears' performance of “Oops I Did It Again” at the 2000 VMAs 🥵

• The potato famine

We're the same type of weird if:

• You put peanut butter and jelly on the same slice of bread

• You want to invite Keith Morrison over for Thanksgiving dinner and figure it won’t be a problem because he’s Canadian so he probably won’t have plans

A life goal of mine:

• Own a lawn mower

• Be a contestant on 90s Nickelodeon game show, Figure It Out

• Feel comfortable in a pair of shorts

A shower thought I recently had

• Why is Jadakiss is as hard as it gets?????

I’m not on dating apps because they overwhelm me and I’m bad on paper. I don’t have the attention span for them, or the drive. I can barely keep up with my actual texts, never mind keeping multiple small-talk conversations going with a bunch of men.

I have also ridden one too many trains where men casually opened an app while they were bored in transit and repeatedly rejected actual human beings based on their faces.

Oh, am I overthinking this?

Story of my life.

Love you bye,
Pats

Thanks for reading!

Barrett All, starring Patty Barrett, is written, directed, and produced by Patty Barrett. Lights and sound by Patty Barrett. Hair, make-up, and wardrobe provided by Patty Barrett. For more information, please reach out to Patty Barrett.

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