I Don't Care Who You Are
I only want to know what your first concert was.
Every workshop that I facilitate begins the same way —
Please share your:
Name
Location
First concert you ever attended
It lands every time. It’s way easier to answer than a fun fact, and yet it is a fun fact and shows an insight into who the person is. It’s like, YESSS! Mark from Finance seeing Color Me Badd at 13!! YOU GO MARK FROM FINANCE.
Although, I do get to close down the exercise with arguably the best one: Backstreet Boys… on September 10, 2001.
Monumental day for me. Horrible next day for the world.
I ask those specific questions to break the ice, but it’s also a strategic way to level the playing field. In trainings, people typically know each other a little bit… but with roles/titles/labels removed, everyone has equal status.
It’s actually pretty amazing to witness the amount of trust that is very quickly built in a non-hierarchical space.
It’s similar to chatting with people at the dog park, or sharing a laugh with someone in a workout class, or politely talking to a stranger on a train. We’re all the same out there in the world, we’re all just people.
Human beings are social creatures, we’re actually predetermined to get along and support each other. BUT, then we go and add silly fucking labels and everything changes.
Nowhere has this been more transparent to me than Bumble.
Excuse my language, but I fucking hate dating apps. I have used them in the past and I’ve gone on some okay dates, but I’ve never met “the one” or even someone I wanted to see more than twice. I hate how they cost money in order to gain access to simple features, I hate how they gamify dating, and I hate the endless, forced chat at all hours of the day.
I don’t have notifications on my phone (#ADHD) and I have enough to balance between texts, emails, and Instagram memes!!! I cannot also be managing an inbox filled with seven random bearded men named Mike or Matt or Dan.
However, I do wonder if I’d be more interested in chatting with them if I didn’t know anything about them. (Sort of like, meeting someone IRL?) I see how shared interests help get the conversation started, but I sorta feel like it’s weird to have a one-pager on a person before even meeting them????
On paper, most of the people I’ve dated are not people I would have matched with on an app. I’d have made assumptions about who they were, and how they’d feel about me, based on a few facts they provided. Hockey player? Meh, sports. Former Marine? I’ll probably end up on Dateline. BODYBUILDER? I’ll be scrubbing self-tanner out of the tub for weeks… and I’ll probably end up on Dateline.
Honestly, I probably wouldn’t even be friends with most of my friends if we met online.
According to the recent World Happiness Report, we’re more disconnected and unhappy than ever yet we have so many tools available to connect. The data shows that the “happiest” countries in the world (always the Nordic ones) are that way because they value connection. They share meals, they live together, they support each other, and they trust each other.
Right now, in the U.S. at least, we’re living in a very low trust environment. We have a divisive leader who actively says that most of us don’t matter. We have social media platforms that take advantage of us and feed us misinformation for fun. We have little agency in our jobs and feel uncertain about our future.
AND THERE IS JUST TOO MUCH INFORMATION AVAILABLE ON TOO MANY PLATFORMS!
In this insecure state, our brains have used labels to easily identify the enemy. The “enemy” is a concoction of our various assumptions and beliefs based on our past experiences.
For me on dating apps, that means the “enemy” is:
Conservative
Preppy
White collar
Blue collar
V-neck collar
From my hometown
Overly Italian (see: from my hometown)
Too outdoorsy — sure I like going outside as much as the next guy but WHEN DOES IT END?!
A “Saturdays are for the boys” type (Y’know the ones who take that picture at their wedding with the bride off to the side?)
Holding a fish (and it’s not a joke)
Too genuine / sappy (“I just want to hear about your day and make you smile!” Ugh, gross)
So, basically, I’m going to die alone. It’s fine, everything’s fine.
No, I’m kidding. My point is that the labels we use to identify ourselves do not tell the whole story. We are all trying so hard to be unique individuals who stand out from the crowd while simultaneously trying to fit in. We judge others because it’s easier to cast them aside before they do it to us.
My various bios across the internet include some form of:
Woman
Comedian/performer/improviser
Writer
Facilitator
Coach
Director
Cat/dog mom
Bostonian / New Englander
Neurodivergent
I’m trying to convey that I’m cool, funny, high status, successful, fun, different, unique, etc. But really, those are the least interesting things about me.
When all the labels are removed and we are left with a blank slate, we typically just act like the generic human beings that we are. We may not always interact because we’re all in our own little worlds, but when we curiously engage — we’re able to unlock a new side of ourselves or build a unique relationship block-by-block with each person we meet.
I believe — and the data shows! — that the key to happiness is trust and connection. We need to feel that we’re able to be ourselves, warts and all, and not be abandoned or cast aside. I certainly feel that most with my sister, my friends, with certain co-workers… but also when someone smiles at me while I’m walking my dog, or says hello while bagging my rotisserie chickens at Market Basket, or strikes up a conversation with me at the dog park.
For just a moment, I don’t know that the cute guy flirting with me punches animals for fun and thinks Andrew Jackson is the best president of all time. And it’s a glorious moment.
And then I end up on Dateline.
a relevant book passage:
“Anyone who has ridden the subway twice a day to earn their bread knows how it goes: When you board, you exhibit the same persona you use with your colleagues and acquaintances. You’ve carried it through the turnstile and past the sliding doors, so that your fellow passengers can tell who you are — cocky or cautious, amorous or indifferent, loaded or on the dole. But you find yourself a seat and the train gets under way; it comes to one station and then another; people get off and others get on. And under the influence of the cradle-like rocking of the train, your carefully crafted persona begins to slip away. The superego dissolves as your mind begins to wander aimlessly over your cares and your dreams; or better yet, it drifts into an ambient hypnosis, where even cares and dreams recede and the peaceful silence of the cosmos pervades.”
- Rules of Civility, Amor Towles
5 things
Stuff I’m loving and/or hyper-fixating on at the moment:
The Studio is SO GOOD. The Jonestown storyline was hilarious. Wait, that sounds bad…
After watching Killers of the Flower Moon (which I actually liked more than I thought considering my love for the book and the movie’s bad reviews), I started watching Reservation Dogs. It’s very funny.
I’m kind of into this Beatles casting? Joseph Quinn as George is perfect!
Neptune Entering Aries Will Completely Reshape Things. “On March 30, 2025, Neptune officially leaves Pisces and enters Aries for the first time since 1861. What happened that year? The Civil War started! Wow!” COOL COOL COOL. (Also, I’m kind of excited for this shakeup?!?!)
I got these shoes for some trips and I really like them.
Elaine Stritch was the GOAT.
Right now, I’m struggling with sciatica pain. I pulled my hamstring a few weeks ago and kept going to barre/pilates 4x a week so here I am now, barely able to walk. Regardless, I’m so happy about a NEW QUARTER. Something in me says it’s going to be good… or maybe it’s the Neptune in Aries of it all!!!!
Now, tell me, what was your first concert?!?! And were your bragging rights ruined by a terrorist attack?
Love you. Mean it.
xo, Patty
Would you be so kind & do me a favor?!
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Raffi at too young to remember how old I was but old enough to remember everything about the truly massive venue. I still mentally sing “I like to ate, ate, ate ay-ples and ba-nay-nays” whenever I eat one of them.
*cue Christopher Walken voice* Foo FIGHTERS! And it was glorious.