#8 | My Intervention Wasn't Funny

AND I AM PISSED ABOUT THAT.

I’ve never been a fan of John Mulaney. 

I’ve listened to him on podcasts and seen him on late-night shows and found him condescending. However, Conan seems to like him a lot and I vote for whoever Conan tells me to, so I’ve always thought I’m clearly in the wrong.

Then, a few weeks ago, he was on Stephen Colbert’s show and there was a moment that flip-turned me upside down: 

“Part of recovery is introspection and examining the self. What did you learn about you in this process?”

“I am a happy person. I have for some reason set up various obstacles in my own way that have left me sometimes pretty wrought up, pretty disoriented, and pretty unhappy. But I am, at my core, a happy person…I am very lucky. I have a very good life. And I don’t want to be the reason that that gets complicated.

Oof. 

After that moment of sincere vulnerability, I decided to watch his newest special, Baby J, and it was hysterical. I died over the amount of VERY famous comedians at his intervention (Bill Hader, Nick Kroll, Seth Meyers, Mike Birbiglia, etc.), and not a single joke was told. I laughed about the fact that he was two hours late to his intervention because he needed to get drugs (a HEART STOPPING AMOUNT OF DRUGS) and a free haircut at SNL. 

Naturally, this led to me thinking about what my intervention might look like. But, I quickly realized that I’d never have an intervention like his. Not because I don’t need one… but because my VERY funny friends could never, ever not make jokes, or take anything seriously, or be taken seriously. Also, because my “various obstacles” are kept private in the dark shadows of my own home… BECAUSE I AM A LADY!

[At this point, I should say…. potential TW: disordered eating, alcohol abuse, intrusive thoughts, self-hatred, unsalted cashews, metric system measurements, and side effects of a Catholic upbringing.]

Sure, I have dabbled in drinking alcohol and being messy in public every now and then, but I haven’t gone out very much over the past few years. Instead, I have chosen to stay home nearly every night and host friends on the weekends.

Every day, around 4pm, my anxiety starts to crawl out of its hole. I feel a heaviness in my chest, and I start to worry about the evening. I think, “I have 5-6 hours until bed. What am I going to do with that time?” I have finished my work, I’ve exercised (sometimes twice), I’ve walked, fed, and watered the dog. I start to freak out about being left alone with my thoughts without something to occupy myself. So, I pour a glass of wine. 

Then another glass. 

Then another glass. 

Then I reach the end of the bottle and think, “Well, I’ve already fucked up! Might as well open another one.” 

Then I drink that bottle, conceding to the shame, and raid the kitchen for whatever is there - handfuls of reduced fat mozzarella, a spoonful of Teddie’s peanut butter, unsalted cashews that had been rightfully neglected, bits of rotisserie chicken dipped in whatever condiment I have on hand, old crackers, tomorrow’s lunch, etc. 

I wake up the next day; puffy, achy and ashamed. I promise myself, “Today, I’ll do better!” and then I don’t because 4pm always rolls around and the cycle of self-hatred starts again. There have been stretches of weeks where I have drunk at least two bottles of wine a night. That’s 1,500 ml a night, 10,500 ml a week. That’s ~$20 a night, ~$140 a week. ($560 a month! That’s an HOA payment or a Dyson hair dryer!!)

As mentioned previously, this past year has been especially traumatic for me. I left a job I loved due to a bad manager and my relationship with someone I have loved for over a decade came to an end. If my general state is the assumption that I’m not good enough, this year it felt like a proven fact. 

After constantly being told that I was doing my job wrong, and being bombarded with love and affection one day and then ignored the next, it was too much. I lost hair, I gained weight (see above wine consumption and binge eating), I had heart palpitations, my hands went numb, my blood pressure was high, I wasn’t sleeping, and everything hurt. 

I knew that I had to see a professional and get to the root of what was causing that nightly thunderstorm in my brain. 

So… I found a HYPNOTHERAPIST! As one does! She told me that I get anxious at night because I have a deep-rooted fear of being alone for the rest of my life. But, no need to worry! She would help me! Over six months, I would attend several hypnotherapy treatments (essentially just guided meditations) and follow a very strict diet and nutrition plan. All for the low, low cost of $10,000.

AND YOU GUYS, I DID IT!

Just kidding, I quickly realized I was being scammed. And by “quickly”, I mean I had my credit card in my hand to pay until realizing I should consult my much more logical sister first. It was a hard “No!” for her, so I ghosted the woman and kept my money.

THEN, I reached out to a real doctor! A psychiatrist, even. I told her what was going on and that I’d previously been diagnosed with depression and generalized anxiety. She asked, “Have you ever considered ADHD?” and I laughed. Of course I had. Every single meme on the internet tells me that I have ADHD. 

After a few weeks of consultations and assessments, I was officially diagnosed. She increased my anti-depressant and prescribed me a stimulant, Vyvanse. This medication in particular also helps with binge eating.

I have been on this mixture of meds for a month and I am so annoyed that I waited this long.

I feel amazing. I have cried multiple times because I feel so good and I didn’t know that I could ever feel this way. My friend Kathryn told me, “It feels like putting on glasses for the first time” and that is 100% how I feel. Generally, I feel calm, in control, positive, focused, creative, and confident. I have felt all of those things before, but it would take a lot of energy to drum it all up. Also, I can see street signs! 

Here are some things I have done with EASE: 

• Cleaned and organized my dresser and closet, made a pile of clothes to donate, AND DONATED THOSE CLOTHES WITHIN ONE DAY 

• Hung wallpaper in my bedroom on a random Tuesday evening 

• Had a difficult feedback conversation with someone without stressing about it all day 

• Took out all of my Christmas decor, organized it, and hung it 

• Finished completing a project even when it got hard and/or I lost interest 

• Had an appointment at 5:45 and didn’t think about it ALL DAY LONG 

• Worked through afternoons without a dip in energy and focus 

• Came up with an idea… and followed through with it 

While it’s unfortunate that I don’t have a hilarious intervention story, I am glad that I intervened in my own life and reached out for help instead of trying to do the damn thing on my own. Clearly, it wasn’t working, and that’s because my brain was not functioning in a way that would help me. (Impulsivity is a symptom of ADHD, not just a bad habit I had formed.)   

It’s only been a month, so I’m not pretending to be CURED. I’ve still had difficult days where I may have eaten an entire baguette dipped in ranch for dinner. #girldinner, am I right? All I can say is that my brain has been functioning at a much higher level than it ever has in the past and I’m grateful for it. 

It’s like my longtime favorite comedian said… I am very lucky. I have a very good life. And I don’t want to be the reason that that gets complicated.

And if that ever changes, I will be reaching out for $10,000.

Speaking of ADHD, here are:

10 Random TV or Movie Moments That I Constantly Reference Out of The Blue That Nobody Ever Gets 

10. Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit - Finale (How does one reference an entire musical act, you ask? Through dance, through song, and I even frequently whisper, “Your teacher says take off your robes!”) 

9. Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt - “Everybody’s gay Kimmy, it’s the ‘90s.”

8. Wet Hot American Summer - “MCKINLEY AND BEN! THIS IS FOR YOU!” 

7. Mr Deeds - “Hey, who are your friends? I don’t like ‘em!” 

6. The Wedding Singer - “He’s losing his mind… and I’m reaping all the benefits” 

5. A Very Brady Sequel - “This is all Jan’s fault” 

4. The Hot Chick - “It’s meeee! Jessica!” 

3. Arrested Development - “Speech!” 

2. 30 Rock - “I wolfed my teamster sub for you!” (“Sandwich Day” is arguably the funniest, most quotable episode of 30 Rock.)

1. Zoolander - “Cool story, Hansel” 

(I realized while writing this list that I quote 30 Rock and The Wedding Singer so much that it was hard to narrow down quotes. I think I’m stuck in 1999-2009.)

Patty BarRECS:

🎙️PODCAST: Witch - BBC Radio 4. This podcast discusses the history of witches and it’s so fascinating. The host meets a lot of present-day witches and joins their rituals and experiences. She also explores the origins of witch stereotypes and terminology (e.g. “hag”) and of course, the infamous witch trials. As a person who was raised Catholic but has grown weary of an organized religion with a well-documented and well-covered up history of child sex abuse; I love the idea of community, rituals, and nature as a way to appreciate the world around me. 

📺 SERIES: All The Light We Cannot See - Netflix. I read this book many years ago and it’s long been one of my all-time favorites. I have read a lot (like, a lot) of books that take place during the Holocaust/WWII and this one is very special. The series is just as good, but makes some changes and leaves stuff out so it’s still worth reading the book. It takes place in France during German occupation and shares the different lives of a young, French blind girl (Marie-Laure) and a young, German soldier (Werner) who specializes in radio technology. As kids, they both enjoyed listening to a professor on the radio who shared facts about science instead of war news/propaganda. Turns out, that professor was her uncle! And her uncle is Hugh Laurie!

When her uncle and father (an oddly cast, Mark Ruffalo, IMO) leave the home they’re staying in to help the resistance and throw off their tracks, Marie-Laure starts broadcasting with her uncle’s equipment, reading 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea and speaking directly to her father and uncle, and anyone else who is listening. Werner is listening! They eventually meet, and he helps save her and it’s all very beautiful and sad.

I know that stories like this are controversial because of the idea that the girl was saved thanks to a Nazi-turned-good guy, but oh well. It’s a beautiful story.

📽️ MOVIE: A Haunting in Venice - Hulu.  I can’t help but love the Hercule Poirot movies starring Kenneth Branagh, even though one of the movies stars cannibal fantasist, Armie Hammer, and I’ll never forgive Branagh for cheating on Emma Thompson with Helena Bonham Carter. REGARDLESS, this one was spooky and great and TINA FEY was so good! Her character was basically Liz Lemon in the 40s!

🔖 ARTICLE: “My Wild Weekend at BravoCon 2023” - The Cut. “3pm: I land in Vegas with a “Send it to Darrell” hoodie and a dream.” Amazing. I was basically glued to my Instagram all weekend watching BravoCon stories and reading up on the tea. I love Bravo and all the drama it has brought me.

I Leave You With This

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Thanks for reading. Have a good life.

Love,
Patty