#19 | Get Ready for Act Two!

A fresh new (old) look for a fresh new (old) perspective.

16 years later, she’s still taking group selfies after improv shows.

I recently went on a cringe trip through the archives of my old Blogspot blog.

If you’ve known me for a while, you likely recall the title Barrett All from my early days. I started it in January 2008 (!!) as a new year’s resolution and kept it up, intermittently, through 2020.

Do you want to know what the very first post said? It’s really embarrassing. 

While despite thoughts that 2007 would be the worst year of my life (and hey, it sure started out that way), I actually had a pretty fabulous year…

I grew up in 2007, and I turned 21 years old. I switched to Verizon and got a cute green phone (Mint Chocolate) and I named it Finn. I got a hot green Coach bag. I picked up casual smoking to support Julia's smoking habit. I got my ipod and wallet stolen. I went to New York twice, Washington D.C., and Chicago. I got my heart broken. I moved back to Everett from Boston. I got a new job and a pay raise, then ultimately quit that job, gained another one after the fact, and got a bigger pay increase. RELUCTANTLY said goodbye to a lot of people, one in particular! I made mistakes.

So many thoughts.

1. The phrase “while despite” is really pissing me off.

2. No clue what happened in early 2007 to make me think it might be the WORST YEAR OF MY LIFE? At 20?!?!

3. I felt the need to mention SWITCHING PHONE CARRIERS?!?!?

4. Oh God, a Coach bag brag is so early 2000s!!!

5. I never picked up casual smoking. I maybe smoked like 1-2 puffs of a cigarette?

6. Don’t remember the heartbreak or the jobs or the people I said goodbye to?!?! I am so confused.

Yikes. 

Even though every single post made me want to peel my skin off, I do feel sort of jealous of that 21-year-old version of myself who wrote about whatever the hell she wanted without worrying what people thought. It’s not that she didn’t care, she just didn’t know anything about life yet, or how badly other people’s opinions can get to you. 

Just in case nobody caught the news, I felt the need to update people on the Groundhog’s prediction?

That weird girl didn’t perform professionally yet, or work in a corporate environment, or identify a career path, or move across the country, or LEAVE the country, or fall in love… y’all, that girl hadn’t even had sex yet. 

That’s right, I said it. I’M A LATE BLOOMER, OKAY?! 

Fitting that THIS is the first post I wrote the day after losing my virginity.

So much has happened over the past 16 years and I’m just happy to be here. But when I read those posts, I kept thinking about how much I have short changed myself over the years because I started caring too much about the opinions of others. Sometimes, it was the people closest to me, and other times - most times, even -  it was total strangers. 

I don’t want to put every milestone in my life through a microscope right now and belittle myself for all the things I regret, because that would go against the point of my NO REGRETS TATTOO. 

I was going through an Edith Piaf phase, as one does.

But I felt a bit sad when I realized that I haven’t been that fully myself for a long time. As time went on, and the more feedback I received (directly or indirectly), I learned to shrink my personality in certain situations to avoid being judged or cast aside. I tried to meet, or exceed, everyone’s expectations while mostly ignoring my own. 

I know that we all do that and it’s probably for the best. Adjusting to fit certain situations and personalities is part of life, and it likely means we’re emotionally intelligent enough to understand the concept of building relationships.

Overall, it’s not that bad! I’ve had a lot of success being as authentic as I can possibly be! But judgment, real or perceived, has left me constantly worrying about being “too much” or “not enough” or NOT ENOUGH BECAUSE I’M TOO MUCH.

I’m currently in the process of becoming a certified coach, and during a recent training, I was sharing this sentiment with the person coaching me. They asked, “Who is a person you admire for being themselves without worrying about being too much?”

I responded, “Prince!”

“Oh hell yes. Prince was much.”

I can be much, too!

Right now, I’m working on the following: 

1. Being much - my full self and not shrinking myself to make others comfortable (while still being appropriate for whatever situation)

2. Accepting that it will be too much for some and it won’t be enough for others and that’s okay

Therefore, I’m bringing BarrettAll into its SECOND ACT for my own SECOND ACT. 

Here’s to caring about the right people’s opinions, making career moves that I want to make for me, sharing whatever creative project that I want, and being in relationships with people who accept me for who I am and maybe don’t yell at me for having inconvenient emotions when they do disrespectful shit.

What do you think of that, ‘20s Patty?

Oh, ok. We were writing the same posts then. Shut it down. (P.s. Hi Casey!)

Five Things!!!!

1. I just got into Love is Blind for the very first time. I flashed forward to season six since everyone’s talking about it. It is the worst/best show ever!!! Amy and Johnny are a yes. I love A.D. but don’t love Clay. Jimmy and Chelsea are a nightmare. I loved Jessica. I’m sad for Kenneth and Brittany because I thought they were cute. Fuck Jeremey and his parents for spelling his name like that. I can’t wait to read Hunter Harris’ recaps.

2. I’m reading a lot about narcissism, It’s Not You, and cult mind control, Combating Cult Mind Control, right now. I may talk about why someday, maybe not. 🤡 I have been so easily manipulated by narcissistic, manipulative behavior for years (by many people). However, reading about it and becoming more aware has really helped remind me that it’s not my fault. 🤡🤡🤡

3. I downloaded James Clear’s new app, Atoms. I have had made a lot of successful changes with habit stacking / hacking and I like the idea of an app to help. The current habit I’m building is: “Read for 30 mins after eating dinner to become a relaxed person.” I tend to rush to drinking out of boredom, so I’m trying to find ways to calm down before letting my impulse take over. #ADHDLIFE

4. I am turning my dining room into a Victorian sitting parlor. Naturally. So far, I have painted the walls Bold Brick. I’m putting up this wallpaper on one wall. I can’t wait to bring my entire, weird vision to life.

5. The Shark Flex Style is a 10/10. I mostly use the blow dry brush attachment but sometimes the curlers (though it leaves me looking like Miss Piggy a bit too much.) I use this blow dry mist, recommended by my hair stylist. Also, this scalp oil for hair regrowth.

   

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It’s been an emotional few weeks with getting laid off, applying for (seemingly) millions of jobs with no responses, not getting a job that I wanted, having panic attacks, quick travels, coach training, and much-needed closure. That being said, I’m oddly feeling mentally strong and the past few weeks have been FUN.

If you want to talk about anything at all, feel free to DM or text me!

I wish you joy! and happiness! but above all this, I wish you love.

AND I-I-I-I-I-I,
Patty xo