15 Gifts My Mother Would Hate
A not-quite-gift-guide.
Every year, my sister and I dread Mother’s Day.
Not because we don’t like our mother, but because our mother doesn’t like things.
Gift guides are not made for Leona. They’re made for some mother I’ve never, ever met. Some mother who has a cabinet full of vases, appreciates sentimentality, and sits down to relax once in a while.
Before diving into this gift guide (for some other mom), here are a few things you need to know about my mother:
She loves a bargain.
She once lost me at a Catholic shrine.
When my ex-boyfriend and I were visiting for the holidays, she got him coffee and made him breakfast and didn’t offer me anything.
Her favorite restaurant is Texas Roadhouse and I’m entirely convinced that she only asks to go there because I hate it so much.
She hates clutter so she throws everything out. Childhood toys? Gone. Birth certificate? No clue where it is. Our garage collapsed a few years ago and now anytime we’re looking for something, she claims “it must have been in the garage.” 🙄
Here are 15 gifts that she would hate and what she would say if I gave them to her:
“This is too much. Look at these water glasses I got at the dollar store! They feel like real glass.”
Bombas compression socks for her self-diagnosed plantar fascia.
“I don’t have the strength to put them on.” (This is real.)
A book she’ll love.
“You keep it. I’ll just wait for it to come in at the library! I don’t want the clutter.”
“My head has shrunk with age so I can’t wear earrings anymore.”
Beautiful soft towels.
“I don’t use towels.” (THIS IS ALSO REAL. SHE SAID THIS.)
Supergoop sunscreen.
“I don’t like the way sunscreen feels, I just wear a surgical mask.” (GUYS, SHE ALSO SAID THIS.)
Brookstone Makeup Organizer for Vanity.
“I don’t have the counter space for it. I’ll just continue wrapping all of my makeup in elastic bands and storing them in those free little produce bags under the sink.”
Anything cashmere.
“Too soft for my skin!”
A lint roller to remove all of my dog’s fur from her clothes .
“I just use duct tape!”
A higher-end coffee maker than Mr. Coffee.
“I make so much coffee in a day that it’s not worth having something nice.”
“Ca-ching, ca-ching! I just buy Irish Spring in bulk and the scent lasts all day!”
Sneakers for her daily 3-hour walk at 4am.
“I found these in the basement and they’re still in good shape.”
“I just use vaseline and eat a clove of garlic a day.”
“I get all of my water from lettuce.”
A surefire win, her favorite food — chicken parmesan.
“I’ve lost the taste for chicken parm.”
Things are happening. I am very busy and tired and I’ll leave it there. For now.
Tell me something good in the comments?
xo, Pats
Hilarious 😆
Your mom is what they call “a character.” My grandmother was also a good representation of that descriptor. We’d laugh when people would say that because it’s more funny when you’re NOT related to them. 😆🙄